0 comment Thursday, July 3, 2014 | admin
I talked once about a shark attacking our family and my hope that CAMHS would be the bigger boat that came along to blast sharky to smithereens.
Turns out that CAMHS are someone coming through on the radio criticising my efforts to save my family from the shark whilst blaming us for being out in the sea in the first place.
So, fuck them.
I could carry on panicking and making emergency calls, but I think we'll all get eaten alive whilst we wait for help to arrive.
So I've decided to tackle this fucker my way. Let battle commence.
Turns out that CAMHS are someone coming through on the radio criticising my efforts to save my family from the shark whilst blaming us for being out in the sea in the first place.
So, fuck them.
I could carry on panicking and making emergency calls, but I think we'll all get eaten alive whilst we wait for help to arrive.
So I've decided to tackle this fucker my way. Let battle commence.
Labels: Adoption, CAMHS, Motherhood
0 comment Monday, June 16, 2014 | admin
As you will be aware dear reader, due to some worrying behaviour on the part of our Son, we asked for help and were referred to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service.
The initial meeting we had was with a psychologist who seemed to completely understand and validate our idea that Son was communicating a very damaged part of himself through his behaviours, and that this language was very dark and worrying. He then referred us to the Looked After Children section of CAMHS that also work with adopted children.
We (Husband and I) then had a second meeting with a psychologist who seemed a bit young to me, and who got my back-up by suggesting - just as we were walking out the door - that although I thought there was attachment and trust between me and Son, from Son's point of view this was probably not true.
That pissed me off.
Royally.
I have spent two years doing NOTHING BUT fostering an attachment between me and my two children, and I was not best happy at any suggestion that the lack of attachment to me was the root cause of Son's issues. I'm not the one traumatising this kid, I'm the one trying to heal him.
We had another session this week with the too young psychologist and also a Social Worker.
Yes, a Social Worker. My heart dropped. One of them. One of them that places all the responsibility and blame for everything on the adoptive parents.
But it was OK. They asked Husband and I to talk about us and our adoption journey. I'm not sure if you're supposed to make professionals laugh in a CAMHS session but Husband did. Something about his frankness of his dislike of babies caught them slightly unawares ('they're just really annoying and they can't talk or anything').
As we talked, one issue was coming out, the issue of the children's relationship with Husband. They used to reject him entirely, actually cry and/or tantrum if they had to hold his hand or sit by him. Now it's more like he's second best, he's OK, but not as good as me. Or sometimes it's like they don't see him, don't acknowledge he's there. When they do see him, both children can be very rude to him and are defiant in a more obvious way with him than they are with me.
It has to be said that Husband has shown astonishing patience with this. He's gone back in there, time and time again, to foster a relationship and a good attachment with them. That's not easy when you're dealing with two people with very powerful emotions who are very blatant about their dislike of anything you try to do.
All this wasn't helped by the fact that earlier on in the year Husband had sciatica which floored him for several months, leaving me effectively a single mother and losing him precious bonding time with the kids.
In my opinion, Husband has never quite bounced back from that time. A few weeks ago I had to talk to him about the level of effort he was making with the kids these days, particularly in the evenings. I saw it very much from my point of view however, that in the late evening, when I've been regulating the kids since 3.30pm, I needed him to be present for them so that I could take a break. I felt he was being too absent and everything was on my shoulders.
In the CAMHS session it became clear that this wasn't actually about me, it was about Husband's relationship and his attachment with the kids. He needed to work on that for the kids' sake, not necessarily mine! So, not everything is about me and my needs, who knew?
The Social Worker in particular seemed very keen on Husband having special time with the kids. She suggested that one weekend a month Husband put something in the diary to do with the children that didn't include me. In fact, he was to say quite forcefully to me that, sorry as he was, I was not allowed to come, that he wanted to spend special time with the children.
Reflecting on this driving back home after the session I found it hard to figure out which way I was going as I kept collapsing into fits of laughter.
Husband told to take the kids around Cannon Hill Park for three hours one afternoon and I wasn't allowed to go!
Bwaha hahaha haha ha ha!!!
This was a dream, surely? And I was going to wake up any minute at the beginning of the summer holidays, where day after day after day, for two months, I was the one spending hours of special time with the children because no other bugger was there to do it.
Husband didn't find it quite so funny. He kept saying maybe he could bake cakes with them or something. I said that he should be doing that stuff with them anyway and that the point the Social Worker had made was that he make a special effort and take them out for a treat!
Ha ha!!
Since then I've felt a sense of relief that - just for the moment - no more is required of me. There's nothing else I have to give up, no more time I have to hand over, not another thing to understand and incorporate into my parenting.
Just for once it's him over there, Husband, lovely man, who has to make the effort, who has to take the hit. He is the one who has some work to do.
I dare say this'll change as the sessions go on. The Social Worker seems very keen on giving us parenting strategies and offered hope that these might be enough to turn Son's behaviour around. Trouble is I have parenting strategies coming out of my ears and That's half the problem - at which point do the kids heal enough that I am not employing strategies at the speed of light molecules? Because it's killing me.
The initial meeting we had was with a psychologist who seemed to completely understand and validate our idea that Son was communicating a very damaged part of himself through his behaviours, and that this language was very dark and worrying. He then referred us to the Looked After Children section of CAMHS that also work with adopted children.
We (Husband and I) then had a second meeting with a psychologist who seemed a bit young to me, and who got my back-up by suggesting - just as we were walking out the door - that although I thought there was attachment and trust between me and Son, from Son's point of view this was probably not true.
That pissed me off.
Royally.
I have spent two years doing NOTHING BUT fostering an attachment between me and my two children, and I was not best happy at any suggestion that the lack of attachment to me was the root cause of Son's issues. I'm not the one traumatising this kid, I'm the one trying to heal him.
We had another session this week with the too young psychologist and also a Social Worker.
Yes, a Social Worker. My heart dropped. One of them. One of them that places all the responsibility and blame for everything on the adoptive parents.
But it was OK. They asked Husband and I to talk about us and our adoption journey. I'm not sure if you're supposed to make professionals laugh in a CAMHS session but Husband did. Something about his frankness of his dislike of babies caught them slightly unawares ('they're just really annoying and they can't talk or anything').
As we talked, one issue was coming out, the issue of the children's relationship with Husband. They used to reject him entirely, actually cry and/or tantrum if they had to hold his hand or sit by him. Now it's more like he's second best, he's OK, but not as good as me. Or sometimes it's like they don't see him, don't acknowledge he's there. When they do see him, both children can be very rude to him and are defiant in a more obvious way with him than they are with me.
It has to be said that Husband has shown astonishing patience with this. He's gone back in there, time and time again, to foster a relationship and a good attachment with them. That's not easy when you're dealing with two people with very powerful emotions who are very blatant about their dislike of anything you try to do.
All this wasn't helped by the fact that earlier on in the year Husband had sciatica which floored him for several months, leaving me effectively a single mother and losing him precious bonding time with the kids.
In my opinion, Husband has never quite bounced back from that time. A few weeks ago I had to talk to him about the level of effort he was making with the kids these days, particularly in the evenings. I saw it very much from my point of view however, that in the late evening, when I've been regulating the kids since 3.30pm, I needed him to be present for them so that I could take a break. I felt he was being too absent and everything was on my shoulders.
In the CAMHS session it became clear that this wasn't actually about me, it was about Husband's relationship and his attachment with the kids. He needed to work on that for the kids' sake, not necessarily mine! So, not everything is about me and my needs, who knew?
The Social Worker in particular seemed very keen on Husband having special time with the kids. She suggested that one weekend a month Husband put something in the diary to do with the children that didn't include me. In fact, he was to say quite forcefully to me that, sorry as he was, I was not allowed to come, that he wanted to spend special time with the children.
Reflecting on this driving back home after the session I found it hard to figure out which way I was going as I kept collapsing into fits of laughter.
Husband told to take the kids around Cannon Hill Park for three hours one afternoon and I wasn't allowed to go!
Bwaha hahaha haha ha ha!!!
This was a dream, surely? And I was going to wake up any minute at the beginning of the summer holidays, where day after day after day, for two months, I was the one spending hours of special time with the children because no other bugger was there to do it.
Husband didn't find it quite so funny. He kept saying maybe he could bake cakes with them or something. I said that he should be doing that stuff with them anyway and that the point the Social Worker had made was that he make a special effort and take them out for a treat!
Ha ha!!
Since then I've felt a sense of relief that - just for the moment - no more is required of me. There's nothing else I have to give up, no more time I have to hand over, not another thing to understand and incorporate into my parenting.
Just for once it's him over there, Husband, lovely man, who has to make the effort, who has to take the hit. He is the one who has some work to do.
I dare say this'll change as the sessions go on. The Social Worker seems very keen on giving us parenting strategies and offered hope that these might be enough to turn Son's behaviour around. Trouble is I have parenting strategies coming out of my ears and That's half the problem - at which point do the kids heal enough that I am not employing strategies at the speed of light molecules? Because it's killing me.
0 comment Sunday, June 8, 2014 | admin
It took us a few days to get the content and tone right, but last night we finally sent off an e-mail to the Director of Children's Services of our local authority saying that we were withdrawing our Son from CAMHS and exactly why.
I got a reply from her early this morning saying that she was "very concerned" at the points we made and that she would see that they were addressed. She expressed disappointment in the service that LAC CAMHS provided to us and that we felt forced to secure suitable therapy elsewhere. She agreed, as requested, to ensure that the Psychologist and Social Worker we were seeing would be made aware that we no longer required their services.
I do so hope that those two people who attempted to do a complete hatchet job on my family didn't have a shitty day at work defending themselves to higher management. That would just kill me.
I got a reply from her early this morning saying that she was "very concerned" at the points we made and that she would see that they were addressed. She expressed disappointment in the service that LAC CAMHS provided to us and that we felt forced to secure suitable therapy elsewhere. She agreed, as requested, to ensure that the Psychologist and Social Worker we were seeing would be made aware that we no longer required their services.
I do so hope that those two people who attempted to do a complete hatchet job on my family didn't have a shitty day at work defending themselves to higher management. That would just kill me.
Labels: Adoption, CAMHS, Thats Life
0 comment Thursday, June 5, 2014 | admin
I don't want to write this post, but I am going to.
I don't want to write it because I am ashamed of what happened.
I am going to write it because this is the sort of thing that happens in families, adopted families, and not many talk about it.
I think we should talk about it when things go spectacularly horrible.
This is the one night it went spectacularly horrible for us.
So, things had been pretty unrelenting. There was no end to Son's paranoia. He was turning moody/violent/abusive every hour or so, on every excuse, sometimes no excuse. He was horrible to live with. He ruined everything. But we all tried with him. Husband and I tried to see his hurt and love him, give him boundaries, be consistent, be kind. Daughter forgave him every single incident. We all lived as best we could within the family Son was twisting so badly out of shape.
I was trying to get us help. From the GP. From the School. From Mental Health charities. From Post Adoption Support. From Adoption UK. From various adoption charities. From various other charities. From fucking anyone and anyone I could find. I phoned, I e-mailed, I waited in for return calls, I talked and talked and talked and talked. And nothing.
One night, Husband and I were handling him well despite his nastiness. Try and talk and it, rather than try and hurt us, we were saying, we're here if you want to talk. We offered cuddles, and quiet time, and yet, didn't fuss over him, gave him space, carried on as matter-of-factly as we could.
It was not long before bedtime when he told me and Husband that he was going to kill us. I finally lost it. Told him to go to bed, then shouted at him to get to bed, that I didn't want to be around him saying things like that to us, that it was totally unacceptable.
That's when it kicked off. He hated us, he raged. He hit me, then spat at me. He was going to kill us, he was screaming.
Husband, who is more than twice the size of Son, told him to go ahead. Try and kill him then, see how far he got. And Son ran at him, but was of course overpowered every single time.
Reader, I have to tell you that at this time, I truly hated my Son. Watching him going at my Husband, I hated him. I was sick of giving him love and kindness and being spat at and hurt. I was sick of the pain he caused my Husband and Daughter, and grandparents, and the shit he was piling down into all our lives.
So I told him that he apologised right now, or he could get the hell out of this house and this family. He wanted to spit at us? He hated us? He wanted to kill us? Apologise right now, or get the hell out.
He chose to leave.
He walked right out the front door with no shoes on, no coat, out into a chilly dark night.
And I let him go. I told him not to come back until he was ready to apologise and I shut the front door on him. I hated him so much right then. Yet I felt suddenly calm. The idea of never seeing him again flooded me with a sense of relief.
Luckily, Husband was sane that night. He went straight out after our Son, who was hanging around on the front drive. He told Son to apologise and come back in. But he wouldn't.
So I told him that he was not coming back inside this house until he apologised, and Husband said he was going to stay outside with him all night, if That's what it took.
I went back inside. Sat on the sofa. I felt in shock, not just at what I had done, but at how much I never wanted him back in my house again. I hadn't realised that things had got that bad. I texted a couple of good trusted friends, not knowing quite what else to do, and they texted me back, grounded me, brought me back to myself a little.
It took a while, but eventually there was a knock on the door. Son stood there, shivering, teary, sorry. He told me he was sorry and we hugged. He went up to bed with Husband.
I couldn't rest. What had just happened? What sort of person was I now? How could Son carry on living here when I would have been happy to lose him that night? Was this the end?
I was shaking and cold, and yet also feeling oddly emotionally detached. For a moment back then, going to jail for sending him out of the house seemed preferable to living with him. I liked the idea of being in jail where he couldn't get at me anymore.
Even in my dissociative state, I knew that was bad.
This is the sort of traumatic horror-filled fucking incidents that adoptive families have because WE HAVE NO SUPPORT. We have to go grubbing around in the dark, trying to find something, anything, to help. We know our children are deeply traumatised, brain damaged, hurt little beings, and we take their abuse and anger and pain into our lives AND NO ONE HELPS US. What did CAMHS give us when our Son went through a period of wanting to kill himself? It took them a year to tell us they weren't going to give him any therapy. I've now found an adoption therapy package That's absolutely right for us as a family, but we'd have to travel half way across the country to attend the sessions, to the kids home town, during the week too, so kids out of school, husband taking unpaid days off, me letting my business clients down, and all that travelling, all that extra cost with petrol and overnight stays. GP wants to help, but can't find funding. Funding, funding, funding.
That's it. Nothing. No help. You have a nine year old boy who wants to die and take his family with him? Well you're on your own with that one, adoptive mum and dad!
On your own.
You've just chucked your nine year old Son out into the night for hitting and spitting at you and threatening to kill you. Now he's upstairs in bed.
You're on your own.
Now get the hell up those stairs and REPAIR. For God's sake repair or this whole family is going to burn.
I went up the stairs. I asked Son if we were friends. He said we were. I crawled into bed with him and we hugged, and did our silly little 'trust' games. And he talked about his birth dad. Some of it was manipulative bullshit (trying to get me to agree to buy him stuff), some of it was probably made up, but it was the first time that he had said anything bad about where he had come from and all this pain came out of him.
I said as little as I could, and tried to say the right thing when I spoke. About what had happened, I said to him that he had sworn at us, spat at us, hit and kicked us, told us he was going to kill us, and yet, he was still here. I told him he'd probably tried hard enough now to get kicked out, and maybe that was enough.
Since that night, nothing as bad has happened. In over five weeks since that incident, he has only sworn at me once, but he accepted the consequence well, even though he really didn't like it. He is letting me mother him again. He hasn't been screaming. He's dropped the verbal abuse. He hasn't trashed his room or broken anything. We've just come back from a few days holiday and he didn't try and sabotage it. It was a lovely holiday, for us all. Genuinely.
Perhaps it's fear. He's been frightened into dropping the abuse. Which is not good. Or perhaps he's faced his worst fear, being chucked out, and it wasn't so bad, and only now can he relax. I don't know.
Since that night I have gone to the GP for help for myself this time, and am really in a much better place. Not 'talking' help, I'm sick of talking, but chemicals. Pills. They're working. I like 'em! And only now can I see how low I had been brought. I thought I was coping. I wasn't. And I never went to get that bad again.
I don't want to write it because I am ashamed of what happened.
I am going to write it because this is the sort of thing that happens in families, adopted families, and not many talk about it.
I think we should talk about it when things go spectacularly horrible.
This is the one night it went spectacularly horrible for us.
So, things had been pretty unrelenting. There was no end to Son's paranoia. He was turning moody/violent/abusive every hour or so, on every excuse, sometimes no excuse. He was horrible to live with. He ruined everything. But we all tried with him. Husband and I tried to see his hurt and love him, give him boundaries, be consistent, be kind. Daughter forgave him every single incident. We all lived as best we could within the family Son was twisting so badly out of shape.
I was trying to get us help. From the GP. From the School. From Mental Health charities. From Post Adoption Support. From Adoption UK. From various adoption charities. From various other charities. From fucking anyone and anyone I could find. I phoned, I e-mailed, I waited in for return calls, I talked and talked and talked and talked. And nothing.
One night, Husband and I were handling him well despite his nastiness. Try and talk and it, rather than try and hurt us, we were saying, we're here if you want to talk. We offered cuddles, and quiet time, and yet, didn't fuss over him, gave him space, carried on as matter-of-factly as we could.
It was not long before bedtime when he told me and Husband that he was going to kill us. I finally lost it. Told him to go to bed, then shouted at him to get to bed, that I didn't want to be around him saying things like that to us, that it was totally unacceptable.
That's when it kicked off. He hated us, he raged. He hit me, then spat at me. He was going to kill us, he was screaming.
Husband, who is more than twice the size of Son, told him to go ahead. Try and kill him then, see how far he got. And Son ran at him, but was of course overpowered every single time.
Reader, I have to tell you that at this time, I truly hated my Son. Watching him going at my Husband, I hated him. I was sick of giving him love and kindness and being spat at and hurt. I was sick of the pain he caused my Husband and Daughter, and grandparents, and the shit he was piling down into all our lives.
So I told him that he apologised right now, or he could get the hell out of this house and this family. He wanted to spit at us? He hated us? He wanted to kill us? Apologise right now, or get the hell out.
He chose to leave.
He walked right out the front door with no shoes on, no coat, out into a chilly dark night.
And I let him go. I told him not to come back until he was ready to apologise and I shut the front door on him. I hated him so much right then. Yet I felt suddenly calm. The idea of never seeing him again flooded me with a sense of relief.
Luckily, Husband was sane that night. He went straight out after our Son, who was hanging around on the front drive. He told Son to apologise and come back in. But he wouldn't.
So I told him that he was not coming back inside this house until he apologised, and Husband said he was going to stay outside with him all night, if That's what it took.
I went back inside. Sat on the sofa. I felt in shock, not just at what I had done, but at how much I never wanted him back in my house again. I hadn't realised that things had got that bad. I texted a couple of good trusted friends, not knowing quite what else to do, and they texted me back, grounded me, brought me back to myself a little.
It took a while, but eventually there was a knock on the door. Son stood there, shivering, teary, sorry. He told me he was sorry and we hugged. He went up to bed with Husband.
I couldn't rest. What had just happened? What sort of person was I now? How could Son carry on living here when I would have been happy to lose him that night? Was this the end?
I was shaking and cold, and yet also feeling oddly emotionally detached. For a moment back then, going to jail for sending him out of the house seemed preferable to living with him. I liked the idea of being in jail where he couldn't get at me anymore.
Even in my dissociative state, I knew that was bad.
This is the sort of traumatic horror-filled fucking incidents that adoptive families have because WE HAVE NO SUPPORT. We have to go grubbing around in the dark, trying to find something, anything, to help. We know our children are deeply traumatised, brain damaged, hurt little beings, and we take their abuse and anger and pain into our lives AND NO ONE HELPS US. What did CAMHS give us when our Son went through a period of wanting to kill himself? It took them a year to tell us they weren't going to give him any therapy. I've now found an adoption therapy package That's absolutely right for us as a family, but we'd have to travel half way across the country to attend the sessions, to the kids home town, during the week too, so kids out of school, husband taking unpaid days off, me letting my business clients down, and all that travelling, all that extra cost with petrol and overnight stays. GP wants to help, but can't find funding. Funding, funding, funding.
That's it. Nothing. No help. You have a nine year old boy who wants to die and take his family with him? Well you're on your own with that one, adoptive mum and dad!
On your own.
You've just chucked your nine year old Son out into the night for hitting and spitting at you and threatening to kill you. Now he's upstairs in bed.
You're on your own.
Now get the hell up those stairs and REPAIR. For God's sake repair or this whole family is going to burn.
I went up the stairs. I asked Son if we were friends. He said we were. I crawled into bed with him and we hugged, and did our silly little 'trust' games. And he talked about his birth dad. Some of it was manipulative bullshit (trying to get me to agree to buy him stuff), some of it was probably made up, but it was the first time that he had said anything bad about where he had come from and all this pain came out of him.
I said as little as I could, and tried to say the right thing when I spoke. About what had happened, I said to him that he had sworn at us, spat at us, hit and kicked us, told us he was going to kill us, and yet, he was still here. I told him he'd probably tried hard enough now to get kicked out, and maybe that was enough.
Since that night, nothing as bad has happened. In over five weeks since that incident, he has only sworn at me once, but he accepted the consequence well, even though he really didn't like it. He is letting me mother him again. He hasn't been screaming. He's dropped the verbal abuse. He hasn't trashed his room or broken anything. We've just come back from a few days holiday and he didn't try and sabotage it. It was a lovely holiday, for us all. Genuinely.
Perhaps it's fear. He's been frightened into dropping the abuse. Which is not good. Or perhaps he's faced his worst fear, being chucked out, and it wasn't so bad, and only now can he relax. I don't know.
Since that night I have gone to the GP for help for myself this time, and am really in a much better place. Not 'talking' help, I'm sick of talking, but chemicals. Pills. They're working. I like 'em! And only now can I see how low I had been brought. I thought I was coping. I wasn't. And I never went to get that bad again.
0 comment Wednesday, May 28, 2014 | admin
News that a record number of children are being taken into care. To quote from this BBC article:
Numbers have been rising since late 2008 and the infamous Baby P case involving the death of a toddler while on the at-risk register in London
...
"Nearly every child involved needs love, care and therapy, either back home or elsewhere," said Mr Douglas, chief executive of the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service."All agencies need to factor in these much larger increases into their planning systems, resource allocations, workforce development strategies and service contracts, so that the most vulnerable children in the country continue to receive strong public services."This is the comment I made on the article (comments since disabled)
I am the mother of two adopted children who suffered neglect for over five years in their birth home. Although they are now 9 and 10 years of age and have been in our loving home for more than two years, they are left with the legacy of the damage done to their brain and nervous system in their early years. Our Son in particular is presenting with extreme emotional and behavioural problems. Despite this, our local authority, Birmingham will not assess him or provide therapy.
I am despairing with all these children coming through the system, just at a time when local authorities are cutting their funding to children's services. There will be many adoptive families left to deal with extremely damaged children without any professional support, just like we are right now.
This is a huge scandal of our time. It is estimated that already ONE THIRD of adoptions breakdown. That number is going to rise massively. We're walking into a nightmare.
Numbers have been rising since late 2008 and the infamous Baby P case involving the death of a toddler while on the at-risk register in London
...
"Nearly every child involved needs love, care and therapy, either back home or elsewhere," said Mr Douglas, chief executive of the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service."All agencies need to factor in these much larger increases into their planning systems, resource allocations, workforce development strategies and service contracts, so that the most vulnerable children in the country continue to receive strong public services."This is the comment I made on the article (comments since disabled)
I am the mother of two adopted children who suffered neglect for over five years in their birth home. Although they are now 9 and 10 years of age and have been in our loving home for more than two years, they are left with the legacy of the damage done to their brain and nervous system in their early years. Our Son in particular is presenting with extreme emotional and behavioural problems. Despite this, our local authority, Birmingham will not assess him or provide therapy.
I am despairing with all these children coming through the system, just at a time when local authorities are cutting their funding to children's services. There will be many adoptive families left to deal with extremely damaged children without any professional support, just like we are right now.
This is a huge scandal of our time. It is estimated that already ONE THIRD of adoptions breakdown. That number is going to rise massively. We're walking into a nightmare.
Labels: Adoption, CAMHS, In The News
0 comment Tuesday, May 20, 2014 | admin
Children
Can I have Thing? I really really want Thing?Yes. Do X,Y and Z for me and you can have Thing.OK.Can I have Thing? I really really want Thing?Remember what I said you had to do to get Thing?Oh yeah!Have you done any of it?No *shout, scream, bang doors*Can I have Thing. I really really want Thing.Remember what I said you had to do to get Thing?Oh yeah!Have you done any of it?No *shout, scream, bang doors*Mummy! I've done X,Y and Z! It took me all of 3 minutes! Can I have Thing now?Yes, course you can. I am so proud that you did X,Y and Z. Well done. Here's the Thing you asked for.Can I have that other Thing as well?No, be grateful for what you've been given.OK.Where's the Thing?I gave it to my friend at school. Why?I don't know *scream, shout, bang doors*
Friends and Family
He hits, kicks, spits, breaks things, swears at me, tells me he wants to kill me and that he wants to die.All kids do that.He's testing boundaries.It's just a phase.My 3 year old tanrums too.Little bugger him!Have you tried giving him milk?Are you too strict?Are you being strict enough?I got angry the other day too. We all do.Couldn't you just have let him have whatever he wants?Just ignore him.
Professionals
He hits, kicks, spits, breaks things, swears at me, tells me he wants to kill me and that he wants to die.This is very common behaviour in children who have suffered trauma.He's testing you, to see if you will reject him like his birth parents did.It's just a phase.He's presenting like a 3 year old.He's really testing you, isn't he?Food can play an important part in development.Are you allowing him to express himself and have choices?Are you not putting up strong enough boundaries and giving him too much choice?Being angry is naturalTreat him often, to let him know he's loved.Stay calm and acknowledge his anger.
Adoption Support
I'm an adopter and I would like some support please.You're a what?An adopter.And you want some what?Some support.Oh.This is Adoption Support, isn't it?Yes. What sort of support did you want?What do you have?We have support for adopters. Like what?Support.What sort of support?For adopters.Like what?Support.Such as?Who are you and what did you want again?
School
He gets upset at school and takes it out on his family at home. Can you keep him away from that boy, supervise him at lunchtimes, make sure the Dinner Ladies know to report any incidents involving him to you, tell his teacher not to use shame based punishments, and put all homework instructions in writing?Just talk to us, we can help.Thanks. Can we do those things then?We're always here if you need us.Great, Can we arrange all that then?Come talk to us any time.Brilliant. Can we do what I've just asked then?You only need to ask.I just did.He's not like that in school you know.
CAMHS
My Son wants to kill himself and his family.OK. Don't you have some sort of adoption agency who can help you with that?No. They've told me to come to you.OK. Just have a phone assessment, then a one-point-of-access assessment face-to-face, then an assessment with the psychologist we have assigned you to, who will not read anything of the previous assessments. That should take up most of the year.Then what?Then you keep meeting with the psychologist.For how long?For as long as it takes?For as long as what takes?For as long as it takes for you start to parent him properly.But we are parenting him properly!So you say!Yes, we do, because we are!Well, why is he behaving like this then?That's why we want professional help, to find that out.That's not our job. You're his parents. You figure it out.Why can't you help us?We can. We are! You're under CAMHS, seeing a psychologist.But we're not the one who needs a psychologistSo you say!Are you never going to see him?No, we're going to keep seeing you, doing absolutely nothing, trying to find out what you are doing to make this boy act this way, because That's the cheapest option for us and we've got no funding. We just pretend to help so that we can continue to exist and all get a pay packet.
Can I have Thing? I really really want Thing?Yes. Do X,Y and Z for me and you can have Thing.OK.Can I have Thing? I really really want Thing?Remember what I said you had to do to get Thing?Oh yeah!Have you done any of it?No *shout, scream, bang doors*Can I have Thing. I really really want Thing.Remember what I said you had to do to get Thing?Oh yeah!Have you done any of it?No *shout, scream, bang doors*Mummy! I've done X,Y and Z! It took me all of 3 minutes! Can I have Thing now?Yes, course you can. I am so proud that you did X,Y and Z. Well done. Here's the Thing you asked for.Can I have that other Thing as well?No, be grateful for what you've been given.OK.Where's the Thing?I gave it to my friend at school. Why?I don't know *scream, shout, bang doors*
Friends and Family
He hits, kicks, spits, breaks things, swears at me, tells me he wants to kill me and that he wants to die.All kids do that.He's testing boundaries.It's just a phase.My 3 year old tanrums too.Little bugger him!Have you tried giving him milk?Are you too strict?Are you being strict enough?I got angry the other day too. We all do.Couldn't you just have let him have whatever he wants?Just ignore him.
Professionals
He hits, kicks, spits, breaks things, swears at me, tells me he wants to kill me and that he wants to die.This is very common behaviour in children who have suffered trauma.He's testing you, to see if you will reject him like his birth parents did.It's just a phase.He's presenting like a 3 year old.He's really testing you, isn't he?Food can play an important part in development.Are you allowing him to express himself and have choices?Are you not putting up strong enough boundaries and giving him too much choice?Being angry is naturalTreat him often, to let him know he's loved.Stay calm and acknowledge his anger.
Adoption Support
I'm an adopter and I would like some support please.You're a what?An adopter.And you want some what?Some support.Oh.This is Adoption Support, isn't it?Yes. What sort of support did you want?What do you have?We have support for adopters. Like what?Support.What sort of support?For adopters.Like what?Support.Such as?Who are you and what did you want again?
School
He gets upset at school and takes it out on his family at home. Can you keep him away from that boy, supervise him at lunchtimes, make sure the Dinner Ladies know to report any incidents involving him to you, tell his teacher not to use shame based punishments, and put all homework instructions in writing?Just talk to us, we can help.Thanks. Can we do those things then?We're always here if you need us.Great, Can we arrange all that then?Come talk to us any time.Brilliant. Can we do what I've just asked then?You only need to ask.I just did.He's not like that in school you know.
CAMHS
My Son wants to kill himself and his family.OK. Don't you have some sort of adoption agency who can help you with that?No. They've told me to come to you.OK. Just have a phone assessment, then a one-point-of-access assessment face-to-face, then an assessment with the psychologist we have assigned you to, who will not read anything of the previous assessments. That should take up most of the year.Then what?Then you keep meeting with the psychologist.For how long?For as long as it takes?For as long as what takes?For as long as it takes for you start to parent him properly.But we are parenting him properly!So you say!Yes, we do, because we are!Well, why is he behaving like this then?That's why we want professional help, to find that out.That's not our job. You're his parents. You figure it out.Why can't you help us?We can. We are! You're under CAMHS, seeing a psychologist.But we're not the one who needs a psychologistSo you say!Are you never going to see him?No, we're going to keep seeing you, doing absolutely nothing, trying to find out what you are doing to make this boy act this way, because That's the cheapest option for us and we've got no funding. We just pretend to help so that we can continue to exist and all get a pay packet.
Labels: Adoption, CAMHS, Friends And Family, School
0 comment Tuesday, April 29, 2014 | admin
* For the purposes of this blog post, I rename my son Pete*
I turned up at the Social Worker "session" with my son and politely told the Social Worker that this week I was coming into the session with Pete.
Her face fell to stone. No, she said.
Why? I asked.
Because this is for Pete.
Well, it can still be for Pete, it's just that I'm there too. I want to learn from you how Pete and I can communicate with each other.
No. If this is something you wanted to do it should have been planned.
I really didn't think it would be a problem (not totally true).
* stony stare from Social Worker*
I really don't understand why I'm not allowed in on these sessions.
Because these sessions are for Pete.
I know that, but I'm Pete's mother. I really didn't think it would be a problem.
*stony stare from Social Worker*
Oh, well then, never mind. I turn to Son, come on then.
Social Worker turns on her heels triumphantly, then spots that Pete has not followed her. He's standing with me as I sign us out of the building.
Are you not staying? She asks.
I thought you said I couldn't come into the sessions?
You can't, she replies.
Bye then, I say.
I turned up at the Social Worker "session" with my son and politely told the Social Worker that this week I was coming into the session with Pete.
Her face fell to stone. No, she said.
Why? I asked.
Because this is for Pete.
Well, it can still be for Pete, it's just that I'm there too. I want to learn from you how Pete and I can communicate with each other.
No. If this is something you wanted to do it should have been planned.
I really didn't think it would be a problem (not totally true).
* stony stare from Social Worker*
I really don't understand why I'm not allowed in on these sessions.
Because these sessions are for Pete.
I know that, but I'm Pete's mother. I really didn't think it would be a problem.
*stony stare from Social Worker*
Oh, well then, never mind. I turn to Son, come on then.
Social Worker turns on her heels triumphantly, then spots that Pete has not followed her. He's standing with me as I sign us out of the building.
Are you not staying? She asks.
I thought you said I couldn't come into the sessions?
You can't, she replies.
Bye then, I say.
0 comment Friday, April 25, 2014 | admin
Yesterday, the kids had got sports club after school, I had some evening work on and Husband was working late, so my parents-in-law kindly offered to pick the kids up from school, and look after them until both Husband and I were back home.
Everything was going well. Parents-in-law sat with the kids watching telly whilst they ate the tea I'd made for them. Son was in a good mood. I'd checked with him how the day had gone and he said that although he'd fallen out with his best mate again, they'd made up and he felt - in his words - normal. He seemed fine, so I went off to do my work with peace of mind.
When I got back I still had another job to attend to, so after checking in with the kids and grandparents, so I busied myself preparing for that.
That was when Mother-in-Law sort me out. She told me that she didn't want to worry me, but that Son had hurt her. They were all just sitting on the settee watching TV and Son was snuggling up to her, then out of the blue he pinched her arm. He didn't just pinch her arm lightly and let go, he pinched and held.
Mother-in-Law told me that she yelped and told him to get off, he was hurting. He didn't, and there was some sort of physical tussle whilst my Father-in-Law tried to pull him off his Grandmother. He shouted at Son and told him No! You do not do that! Son apparently shrugged his shoulders and said what are you going to do about it?
Mother-in-Law showed me the two blood bruises where he'd pinched her and she was pretty shaken up. So was I. I cried in fact.
When I spoke to him about it later he said he was worried because he had fallen out with his friends at school that day, and that hurting his Grandmother made him feel better.
This is a boy who CAMHS have said doesn't need any assessment or therapy.
Everything was going well. Parents-in-law sat with the kids watching telly whilst they ate the tea I'd made for them. Son was in a good mood. I'd checked with him how the day had gone and he said that although he'd fallen out with his best mate again, they'd made up and he felt - in his words - normal. He seemed fine, so I went off to do my work with peace of mind.
When I got back I still had another job to attend to, so after checking in with the kids and grandparents, so I busied myself preparing for that.
That was when Mother-in-Law sort me out. She told me that she didn't want to worry me, but that Son had hurt her. They were all just sitting on the settee watching TV and Son was snuggling up to her, then out of the blue he pinched her arm. He didn't just pinch her arm lightly and let go, he pinched and held.
Mother-in-Law told me that she yelped and told him to get off, he was hurting. He didn't, and there was some sort of physical tussle whilst my Father-in-Law tried to pull him off his Grandmother. He shouted at Son and told him No! You do not do that! Son apparently shrugged his shoulders and said what are you going to do about it?
Mother-in-Law showed me the two blood bruises where he'd pinched her and she was pretty shaken up. So was I. I cried in fact.
When I spoke to him about it later he said he was worried because he had fallen out with his friends at school that day, and that hurting his Grandmother made him feel better.
This is a boy who CAMHS have said doesn't need any assessment or therapy.
0 comment Wednesday, April 23, 2014 | admin
Yesterday, my Husband and I had a catch-up session with CAMHS, that is with the psychiatrist and the Social Worker. There was a change in attitude towards us, particularly from the psychologist, which I believe is down to the fact that I have told them that since son started getting violent at home, I am showing signs of secondary trauma.
My GP had written CAMHS a letter, which I had asked to be passed onto adoption support, which mentioned that one of my symptoms was not being able to enter the children's rooms during the day whilst they were at school. I found any association with the kids when I was alone retriggred traumatic feelings in me and so I was avoiding them. This was in reaction to the outburst son had where he screamed obscenities at me, flew at me and went for my eyes, and then spent the next couple of hours tearing his bedroom apart. I recognised this as a sign of secondary-truama and I reported this to my gp and hoped for help from adoption support.
Unfortunately, this openness seems to have worked against us, because it has given the psychologist something to peg Son's aggression on. Rather than seeing my symptoms as a reaction to Son's aggression, I think she sees Son's aggression as a reaction to my symptoms.
I am frankly, gobsmacked.
I am also hurt, drained, furious, upset and, at times, despairing. Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, CAMHS come in and tear away what was left of your confidence.
Everything Husband and I told them about how we are trying to parent and also manage this situation was met with criticism. Even the fact that I use Dan Hughe's Playful Loving Acceptance Empathy Curiosity and Empathy (PLACE) was used against me because I am overwhelming the children with something they are not used to!
And they really went for me when I told them about the emergency measure we have put in place for this week. Basically, I have put Son in the after school club to give my daughter some space at home where she is not either having to be subjected to her brother's aggression or having to go to her room to get away from him. It also means that husband and I can pick him up from school together so that I am not alone with him if he decides to go on the rampage again.
This was absolute proof to them, apparently, of how we are separating him from the famly, and harming his attachment to us.
I dare say that putting him in this club for one week does do nothing for attachment, but he has had two years of therapeutic, attachment-based parenting, and so I made the judgement call to do something for Daughter for a change.
In the midst of all the defending of myself I had to do, I made sure they had some defending to do themselves. I asked why I was not allowed in these sessions with Son and the Social Worker, and was told again that it's not attachment work, just a 'safe' place for Son to talk. I asked, as the psychologist seemed to think my relationship with Son was the root of his aggression, if we could have attachment therapy. I was told that a parent needs to be in a calm and stable place to be able to do attachment work and that as I was very 'fragile' at the moment, I couldn't do it. So I asked if I got help for my secondary trauma, could we do it then, and was told no! There is no plan to give my Son therapy! I need to do all the work at home and they will give me appropriate strategies!
So I asked for a strategy for when son screams abuse at me and starts breaking things and chucking them around. The psychologist said I should hold him and the SW disagreed and said I should stand calmly by and comment on what he was doing in an empathetic manner.
For fuck's sake!
I could go on and on with the shear awfulness of the meeting. The stuff we got turned against us, like them picking up on my Husband saying he was worried about me, and not also saying he was worried about Son. Like how we told them we spend one-to-one time with the kids separately at weekends, and being told we're dividing the family!
We are managing the situation apparently, not managing our Son. I'd like them to say that to a woman who is a victim of aggression perpetrated by her partner. Tear down all the things she's put in place to keep herself safe, and say that if she just managed her man better, things wouldn't escalate and she wouldn't get hurt.
Husband and I felt very blamed by the psychologist for our Son's escalating behaviour. I felt that my being honest about suffering from secondary trauma was used against me. I don't think she understands that for two years I have been a strong parent for our Son, that I have always put my children first. And that me asking for help for myself is not an indication of my selfishness, but of my recognition that this is taking it's toll on me and that to be in the best place to parent my kids, I need support for myself.
You'd think it wouldn't need saying wouldn't you? Not to professionals.
The whole of CAMHS is a complete mess and should be dismantled. What on earth is the point of a mental health service that takes a year to see a suicidal child? I want Direct Payments so I can bugger off and get therapy for my Son from the private sector. I don't want to have to rely on these bunch of clowns.
Son's got his session with the Social Worker again on Friday. The Social Worker informed us that Son told her that when he swears at us, we swear back! No we do not, I said! Not that I felt believed. Perhaps this session Son can tell her that we beat him and get a Child Protection investigation going, that would just be the cherry on the cupcake.
My GP had written CAMHS a letter, which I had asked to be passed onto adoption support, which mentioned that one of my symptoms was not being able to enter the children's rooms during the day whilst they were at school. I found any association with the kids when I was alone retriggred traumatic feelings in me and so I was avoiding them. This was in reaction to the outburst son had where he screamed obscenities at me, flew at me and went for my eyes, and then spent the next couple of hours tearing his bedroom apart. I recognised this as a sign of secondary-truama and I reported this to my gp and hoped for help from adoption support.
Unfortunately, this openness seems to have worked against us, because it has given the psychologist something to peg Son's aggression on. Rather than seeing my symptoms as a reaction to Son's aggression, I think she sees Son's aggression as a reaction to my symptoms.
I am frankly, gobsmacked.
I am also hurt, drained, furious, upset and, at times, despairing. Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, CAMHS come in and tear away what was left of your confidence.
Everything Husband and I told them about how we are trying to parent and also manage this situation was met with criticism. Even the fact that I use Dan Hughe's Playful Loving Acceptance Empathy Curiosity and Empathy (PLACE) was used against me because I am overwhelming the children with something they are not used to!
And they really went for me when I told them about the emergency measure we have put in place for this week. Basically, I have put Son in the after school club to give my daughter some space at home where she is not either having to be subjected to her brother's aggression or having to go to her room to get away from him. It also means that husband and I can pick him up from school together so that I am not alone with him if he decides to go on the rampage again.
This was absolute proof to them, apparently, of how we are separating him from the famly, and harming his attachment to us.
I dare say that putting him in this club for one week does do nothing for attachment, but he has had two years of therapeutic, attachment-based parenting, and so I made the judgement call to do something for Daughter for a change.
In the midst of all the defending of myself I had to do, I made sure they had some defending to do themselves. I asked why I was not allowed in these sessions with Son and the Social Worker, and was told again that it's not attachment work, just a 'safe' place for Son to talk. I asked, as the psychologist seemed to think my relationship with Son was the root of his aggression, if we could have attachment therapy. I was told that a parent needs to be in a calm and stable place to be able to do attachment work and that as I was very 'fragile' at the moment, I couldn't do it. So I asked if I got help for my secondary trauma, could we do it then, and was told no! There is no plan to give my Son therapy! I need to do all the work at home and they will give me appropriate strategies!
So I asked for a strategy for when son screams abuse at me and starts breaking things and chucking them around. The psychologist said I should hold him and the SW disagreed and said I should stand calmly by and comment on what he was doing in an empathetic manner.
For fuck's sake!
I could go on and on with the shear awfulness of the meeting. The stuff we got turned against us, like them picking up on my Husband saying he was worried about me, and not also saying he was worried about Son. Like how we told them we spend one-to-one time with the kids separately at weekends, and being told we're dividing the family!
We are managing the situation apparently, not managing our Son. I'd like them to say that to a woman who is a victim of aggression perpetrated by her partner. Tear down all the things she's put in place to keep herself safe, and say that if she just managed her man better, things wouldn't escalate and she wouldn't get hurt.
Husband and I felt very blamed by the psychologist for our Son's escalating behaviour. I felt that my being honest about suffering from secondary trauma was used against me. I don't think she understands that for two years I have been a strong parent for our Son, that I have always put my children first. And that me asking for help for myself is not an indication of my selfishness, but of my recognition that this is taking it's toll on me and that to be in the best place to parent my kids, I need support for myself.
You'd think it wouldn't need saying wouldn't you? Not to professionals.
The whole of CAMHS is a complete mess and should be dismantled. What on earth is the point of a mental health service that takes a year to see a suicidal child? I want Direct Payments so I can bugger off and get therapy for my Son from the private sector. I don't want to have to rely on these bunch of clowns.
Son's got his session with the Social Worker again on Friday. The Social Worker informed us that Son told her that when he swears at us, we swear back! No we do not, I said! Not that I felt believed. Perhaps this session Son can tell her that we beat him and get a Child Protection investigation going, that would just be the cherry on the cupcake.
0 comment Sunday, April 20, 2014 | admin
Husband and I went to CAMHS appointment this morning. I had already spoken to the Clinical Psychiatrist (CP) on Monday to tell her that I wanted her to come into the appointment knowing what help was going to be offered to Son. I didn't want to sit around talking anymore.
So we met her and the Social Worker (SW), and despite CP's efforts the meeting ran away from her and Husband and I got to explain just what it is like living with Son. Much to our relief SW got totally on board and we ended up having an actual conversation about our life, about Son's previous life, about why he was acting as he acted, about what support we had had so far (none), what therapy the children had had so far (none) and what support this family needed. Then when time was up SW stood up and said she wanted to talk to CP for five minutes. They left the room and Husband and I talked about things like the fireplace in the room and the drive over, as you do.
Upshot is that Son gets therapy starting next week, and we get a referral to our local authority's adoption support team who seem to be able to offer all sorts of magical things, like discounts on massages and respite ideas!
I am a bit confused as to why we have not been referred back the placing authority, as we are less then three years into placement, but we were assured that we are entitled to post adoption help from local Social Services. Our local Social Services are crap btw, but anything is better than nothing.
In the afternoon I finally got a call back from the drippy Learning Mentor at school who has previously promised me anger management courses and SENCo involvement, and delivered fuck all. I dare she's what might be called a 'nice woman' but nice on its own is a bit useless. I like my professionals to have skills and professionalism too. Half of the phone call was a low-level attempt to exonerate herself from her lack of action, which would infuriate me if I had the energy.
She offered a referral to counselling for Son, which might lead one to question why this has not been raised before. She also suggested that I might like to talk to the School Nurse, to what aim was not explained, but it didn't matter because I have met her and she is insufferable, so no. Then there were some practical suggestions that she had cooked up with two other key members of staff to some specific situations I highlighted, which were much more worthwhile.
Isn't it wonderful what a frank letter copied to the Head Teacher can achieve?
I'm quite tired and would benefit from doing something enjoyable that didn't include sticking rockets up the arses or professional people, but that has to wait until I can see me bestest mate on Thursday. Tomorrow I'm over at mum and dad's to take mum shopping, and the other night my gran was taken into hospital and is most likely dying. Life on this planet stinks sometimes.
So we met her and the Social Worker (SW), and despite CP's efforts the meeting ran away from her and Husband and I got to explain just what it is like living with Son. Much to our relief SW got totally on board and we ended up having an actual conversation about our life, about Son's previous life, about why he was acting as he acted, about what support we had had so far (none), what therapy the children had had so far (none) and what support this family needed. Then when time was up SW stood up and said she wanted to talk to CP for five minutes. They left the room and Husband and I talked about things like the fireplace in the room and the drive over, as you do.
Upshot is that Son gets therapy starting next week, and we get a referral to our local authority's adoption support team who seem to be able to offer all sorts of magical things, like discounts on massages and respite ideas!
I am a bit confused as to why we have not been referred back the placing authority, as we are less then three years into placement, but we were assured that we are entitled to post adoption help from local Social Services. Our local Social Services are crap btw, but anything is better than nothing.
In the afternoon I finally got a call back from the drippy Learning Mentor at school who has previously promised me anger management courses and SENCo involvement, and delivered fuck all. I dare she's what might be called a 'nice woman' but nice on its own is a bit useless. I like my professionals to have skills and professionalism too. Half of the phone call was a low-level attempt to exonerate herself from her lack of action, which would infuriate me if I had the energy.
She offered a referral to counselling for Son, which might lead one to question why this has not been raised before. She also suggested that I might like to talk to the School Nurse, to what aim was not explained, but it didn't matter because I have met her and she is insufferable, so no. Then there were some practical suggestions that she had cooked up with two other key members of staff to some specific situations I highlighted, which were much more worthwhile.
Isn't it wonderful what a frank letter copied to the Head Teacher can achieve?
I'm quite tired and would benefit from doing something enjoyable that didn't include sticking rockets up the arses or professional people, but that has to wait until I can see me bestest mate on Thursday. Tomorrow I'm over at mum and dad's to take mum shopping, and the other night my gran was taken into hospital and is most likely dying. Life on this planet stinks sometimes.
0 comment Friday, April 18, 2014 | admin
Son had his first therapy session last Friday. I'm a little confused about a few things. Mostly about why he's having therapy from a Social Worker not the Psychiatrist. I'm trying not to think of that as a fob off.
As the Social Worker had never met my Son, I dropped her off his Life Story book and a two page documentation of his emotional and behavioural problems, with covering letter. I thought she ought to know something about him before she saw him.
We had a quick chat on the phone too. I told her I just wanted a better understanding of why he has this rage in him. The Social Worker told me he is angry because of his early life experiences (stupid me!). But when I asked what her aim was over the six therpay sessions she said it was to find out what makes him so angry.
Erm, yeah.
I also queried why I wasn't allowed in the room with him and was told because the idea was to give Son a safe space to talk about his feelings.
It's most definitely not attachment therapy. I know this because the first thing Son said when we left the building after his first session was that his and the Social Worker had a secret, and he's not allowed to tell me.
The other thing he told me was that the Social Worker had told him that when he was angry he was to breathe in through his nose and breathe out through his mouth. But I've done all that stuff with him. He's even got a card telling him what to do when he gets angry and sometimes he does do it. It's more the frequency with which he gets angry That's the problem. The fact that he gets angry over minor stuff. Every day. And that if nothing presents itself to make him angry he'll create something to make him angry. Unless we make him live the life of a Category A Prisoner which he seems to quite like.
My main worry however is that Son is absolutely besides himself that he gets taken out of school to go play glove puppets with a really nice lady. You should have seen the joy radiating off him when he came out of the room with her. He kept asking me do I really get to do this every Friday? Instead of school? I haven't seen him this happy in months and months. I really hope that one session he'll blow up so bad she'll have to press the panic button. Then we might get somewhere. But I doubt it. He'll probably carry on being joyous and the professionals will start to wonder if me and Husband are the problem. Just like I suspect the school do.
As the Social Worker had never met my Son, I dropped her off his Life Story book and a two page documentation of his emotional and behavioural problems, with covering letter. I thought she ought to know something about him before she saw him.
We had a quick chat on the phone too. I told her I just wanted a better understanding of why he has this rage in him. The Social Worker told me he is angry because of his early life experiences (stupid me!). But when I asked what her aim was over the six therpay sessions she said it was to find out what makes him so angry.
Erm, yeah.
I also queried why I wasn't allowed in the room with him and was told because the idea was to give Son a safe space to talk about his feelings.
It's most definitely not attachment therapy. I know this because the first thing Son said when we left the building after his first session was that his and the Social Worker had a secret, and he's not allowed to tell me.
The other thing he told me was that the Social Worker had told him that when he was angry he was to breathe in through his nose and breathe out through his mouth. But I've done all that stuff with him. He's even got a card telling him what to do when he gets angry and sometimes he does do it. It's more the frequency with which he gets angry That's the problem. The fact that he gets angry over minor stuff. Every day. And that if nothing presents itself to make him angry he'll create something to make him angry. Unless we make him live the life of a Category A Prisoner which he seems to quite like.
My main worry however is that Son is absolutely besides himself that he gets taken out of school to go play glove puppets with a really nice lady. You should have seen the joy radiating off him when he came out of the room with her. He kept asking me do I really get to do this every Friday? Instead of school? I haven't seen him this happy in months and months. I really hope that one session he'll blow up so bad she'll have to press the panic button. Then we might get somewhere. But I doubt it. He'll probably carry on being joyous and the professionals will start to wonder if me and Husband are the problem. Just like I suspect the school do.
0 comment Wednesday, April 9, 2014 | admin
Today Son came out of counselling session beaming with pride and showed me a calendar he'd been making with the Social Worker. The Social Worker explained to me that Son might not remember certain things he has to do, so they've written a few things down on the monthly calendar. This, apparently, will stop me having to always keep telling him what to do. He can just look at the calendar and he'll know what to do.
So there's stuff on there like 'tidy my room' and 'help dad in the garden' and also 'mind my manners' and 'not bully my sister'.
It's an interesting idea, that Son's behavioural problems are mostly down to him forgetting how to behave, but we'll give it a go.
I've been told that I can add anything I want onto the calendar and so I'm thinking of putting 'hug grandma not hit her' and 'do not call my mummy a fucking bitch.'
So there's stuff on there like 'tidy my room' and 'help dad in the garden' and also 'mind my manners' and 'not bully my sister'.
It's an interesting idea, that Son's behavioural problems are mostly down to him forgetting how to behave, but we'll give it a go.
I've been told that I can add anything I want onto the calendar and so I'm thinking of putting 'hug grandma not hit her' and 'do not call my mummy a fucking bitch.'