0 comment Wednesday, April 23, 2014 | admin
Yesterday, my Husband and I had a catch-up session with CAMHS, that is with the psychiatrist and the Social Worker. There was a change in attitude towards us, particularly from the psychologist, which I believe is down to the fact that I have told them that since son started getting violent at home, I am showing signs of secondary trauma.
My GP had written CAMHS a letter, which I had asked to be passed onto adoption support, which mentioned that one of my symptoms was not being able to enter the children's rooms during the day whilst they were at school. I found any association with the kids when I was alone retriggred traumatic feelings in me and so I was avoiding them. This was in reaction to the outburst son had where he screamed obscenities at me, flew at me and went for my eyes, and then spent the next couple of hours tearing his bedroom apart. I recognised this as a sign of secondary-truama and I reported this to my gp and hoped for help from adoption support.
Unfortunately, this openness seems to have worked against us, because it has given the psychologist something to peg Son's aggression on. Rather than seeing my symptoms as a reaction to Son's aggression, I think she sees Son's aggression as a reaction to my symptoms.
I am frankly, gobsmacked.
I am also hurt, drained, furious, upset and, at times, despairing. Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, CAMHS come in and tear away what was left of your confidence.
Everything Husband and I told them about how we are trying to parent and also manage this situation was met with criticism. Even the fact that I use Dan Hughe's Playful Loving Acceptance Empathy Curiosity and Empathy (PLACE) was used against me because I am overwhelming the children with something they are not used to!
And they really went for me when I told them about the emergency measure we have put in place for this week. Basically, I have put Son in the after school club to give my daughter some space at home where she is not either having to be subjected to her brother's aggression or having to go to her room to get away from him. It also means that husband and I can pick him up from school together so that I am not alone with him if he decides to go on the rampage again.
This was absolute proof to them, apparently, of how we are separating him from the famly, and harming his attachment to us.
I dare say that putting him in this club for one week does do nothing for attachment, but he has had two years of therapeutic, attachment-based parenting, and so I made the judgement call to do something for Daughter for a change.
In the midst of all the defending of myself I had to do, I made sure they had some defending to do themselves. I asked why I was not allowed in these sessions with Son and the Social Worker, and was told again that it's not attachment work, just a 'safe' place for Son to talk. I asked, as the psychologist seemed to think my relationship with Son was the root of his aggression, if we could have attachment therapy. I was told that a parent needs to be in a calm and stable place to be able to do attachment work and that as I was very 'fragile' at the moment, I couldn't do it. So I asked if I got help for my secondary trauma, could we do it then, and was told no! There is no plan to give my Son therapy! I need to do all the work at home and they will give me appropriate strategies!
So I asked for a strategy for when son screams abuse at me and starts breaking things and chucking them around. The psychologist said I should hold him and the SW disagreed and said I should stand calmly by and comment on what he was doing in an empathetic manner.
For fuck's sake!
I could go on and on with the shear awfulness of the meeting. The stuff we got turned against us, like them picking up on my Husband saying he was worried about me, and not also saying he was worried about Son. Like how we told them we spend one-to-one time with the kids separately at weekends, and being told we're dividing the family!
We are managing the situation apparently, not managing our Son. I'd like them to say that to a woman who is a victim of aggression perpetrated by her partner. Tear down all the things she's put in place to keep herself safe, and say that if she just managed her man better, things wouldn't escalate and she wouldn't get hurt.
Husband and I felt very blamed by the psychologist for our Son's escalating behaviour. I felt that my being honest about suffering from secondary trauma was used against me. I don't think she understands that for two years I have been a strong parent for our Son, that I have always put my children first. And that me asking for help for myself is not an indication of my selfishness, but of my recognition that this is taking it's toll on me and that to be in the best place to parent my kids, I need support for myself.
You'd think it wouldn't need saying wouldn't you? Not to professionals.
The whole of CAMHS is a complete mess and should be dismantled. What on earth is the point of a mental health service that takes a year to see a suicidal child? I want Direct Payments so I can bugger off and get therapy for my Son from the private sector. I don't want to have to rely on these bunch of clowns.
Son's got his session with the Social Worker again on Friday. The Social Worker informed us that Son told her that when he swears at us, we swear back! No we do not, I said! Not that I felt believed. Perhaps this session Son can tell her that we beat him and get a Child Protection investigation going, that would just be the cherry on the cupcake.
My GP had written CAMHS a letter, which I had asked to be passed onto adoption support, which mentioned that one of my symptoms was not being able to enter the children's rooms during the day whilst they were at school. I found any association with the kids when I was alone retriggred traumatic feelings in me and so I was avoiding them. This was in reaction to the outburst son had where he screamed obscenities at me, flew at me and went for my eyes, and then spent the next couple of hours tearing his bedroom apart. I recognised this as a sign of secondary-truama and I reported this to my gp and hoped for help from adoption support.
Unfortunately, this openness seems to have worked against us, because it has given the psychologist something to peg Son's aggression on. Rather than seeing my symptoms as a reaction to Son's aggression, I think she sees Son's aggression as a reaction to my symptoms.
I am frankly, gobsmacked.
I am also hurt, drained, furious, upset and, at times, despairing. Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, CAMHS come in and tear away what was left of your confidence.
Everything Husband and I told them about how we are trying to parent and also manage this situation was met with criticism. Even the fact that I use Dan Hughe's Playful Loving Acceptance Empathy Curiosity and Empathy (PLACE) was used against me because I am overwhelming the children with something they are not used to!
And they really went for me when I told them about the emergency measure we have put in place for this week. Basically, I have put Son in the after school club to give my daughter some space at home where she is not either having to be subjected to her brother's aggression or having to go to her room to get away from him. It also means that husband and I can pick him up from school together so that I am not alone with him if he decides to go on the rampage again.
This was absolute proof to them, apparently, of how we are separating him from the famly, and harming his attachment to us.
I dare say that putting him in this club for one week does do nothing for attachment, but he has had two years of therapeutic, attachment-based parenting, and so I made the judgement call to do something for Daughter for a change.
In the midst of all the defending of myself I had to do, I made sure they had some defending to do themselves. I asked why I was not allowed in these sessions with Son and the Social Worker, and was told again that it's not attachment work, just a 'safe' place for Son to talk. I asked, as the psychologist seemed to think my relationship with Son was the root of his aggression, if we could have attachment therapy. I was told that a parent needs to be in a calm and stable place to be able to do attachment work and that as I was very 'fragile' at the moment, I couldn't do it. So I asked if I got help for my secondary trauma, could we do it then, and was told no! There is no plan to give my Son therapy! I need to do all the work at home and they will give me appropriate strategies!
So I asked for a strategy for when son screams abuse at me and starts breaking things and chucking them around. The psychologist said I should hold him and the SW disagreed and said I should stand calmly by and comment on what he was doing in an empathetic manner.
For fuck's sake!
I could go on and on with the shear awfulness of the meeting. The stuff we got turned against us, like them picking up on my Husband saying he was worried about me, and not also saying he was worried about Son. Like how we told them we spend one-to-one time with the kids separately at weekends, and being told we're dividing the family!
We are managing the situation apparently, not managing our Son. I'd like them to say that to a woman who is a victim of aggression perpetrated by her partner. Tear down all the things she's put in place to keep herself safe, and say that if she just managed her man better, things wouldn't escalate and she wouldn't get hurt.
Husband and I felt very blamed by the psychologist for our Son's escalating behaviour. I felt that my being honest about suffering from secondary trauma was used against me. I don't think she understands that for two years I have been a strong parent for our Son, that I have always put my children first. And that me asking for help for myself is not an indication of my selfishness, but of my recognition that this is taking it's toll on me and that to be in the best place to parent my kids, I need support for myself.
You'd think it wouldn't need saying wouldn't you? Not to professionals.
The whole of CAMHS is a complete mess and should be dismantled. What on earth is the point of a mental health service that takes a year to see a suicidal child? I want Direct Payments so I can bugger off and get therapy for my Son from the private sector. I don't want to have to rely on these bunch of clowns.
Son's got his session with the Social Worker again on Friday. The Social Worker informed us that Son told her that when he swears at us, we swear back! No we do not, I said! Not that I felt believed. Perhaps this session Son can tell her that we beat him and get a Child Protection investigation going, that would just be the cherry on the cupcake.